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Quacky Ducky

Sunday, December 2, 2012 || 3:37 AM

Just a like a duck, swimming gracefully at the surface, but struggling hardly under the waters.

Starting 4th grade, I was dubbed as the "duck" of the class (as I was mocked by a certain "frienemy"), and I hated it. But at this point in time, I never realized that would admire such an animal. After my circle, I realized a few things.

For the past weeks, I've been ranting and ranting to my friends and to myself. Sometimes, I would keep myself pre-occupied of thinking unnecessary things and then blurting it out to someone close to me. I thought it was okay but in truth, it was not. It was not okay to let other people know that you are suffering and that you are having a difficult time if the sole purpose is sympathy. At times, I have to be concerned of others also: to think that I am not the only person in the world. There are others also who have greater problems than me, and yet they do not rant about them.

My patience for other people's stories is short, but if I wanted to tell someone something, I wanted his/her full attention. So selfish of me!

My take on boys? Well, recently I did not manage to keep my secrets to myself. It's because I understood that I could not keep them for so long. I have to tell them to someone because if not, I'll burst. I need some advice, some suggestions, some reminders. I wanted to know how they think about me, about him, and about us together. With all that I've said, I can say that I've been honest to them about my feelings and plans for him. I just don't know how I'll tell it to him directly.

I could've had my chance last night (November 30, 2012) when he went home with me after the teambuilding. He knew that I wanted to ask him some things and he wanted me to ask him, but I just can't. I don't know why. Fear overtakes me. I wanted to ask him now. I wanted to ask him soon. But I felt that this was not yet the right time. Hopefully, in God's time, it will be.

Am I flunking my subjects already? And now, I'm trying to rationalize my study habits. Well, it's just true that I could not do anything but sometimes, I feel like I'm just lazy to do them. That's why I must try and try until I feel like it's the best already. I don't want to settle for anything mediocre anymore - never.

I'm happy for my spiritual and for his spiritual life. I just hope this continues even if I'm out of his daily affairs.

I have to save money from now on - in fact, it was supposed to start months ago.

Headaches and body pains after the IEP Teambuilding that I really enjoyed being in, and swimming the night after with Yanie. Nevertheless, I'm okay. I know that these pains will go away.

I'll struggle everyday and learn how to say "No". That's why I always ask for some faith. That's the only thing I need to know myself more and develop in me the virtues I have to acquire.

I promise not to promise but I'll keep in mind that I have to be a better person each and every day. Amen.

This is not faking. Better call it "grace under pressure".

I'll struggle inside as I smile outside.